Dear Moms (I Love You) by Neigeme Glasgow-Maeda
Dear Moms,
I know that you have been gone now for almost 3 years but I still don't think that it has hit me yet. I thought your empty bed & the silence that your voice should be filling would knock me into reality but I think all it does is make me numb. I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for you to yell my name again, I'm waiting for you to ask me to do your hair or make you some periwinkle tea. I'm just constantly waiting.
Nothing is harder than when I go to send you a text message or tag you in a Facebook post and I suddenly realise that you're not going to be able to reply but I still do it anyways, as if the act of me behaving as if you are still here some how keeps you here alive in me, or perhaps it’s just my coping mechanism.
I lie in bed with tears running down my face, I won’t lie, I miss you each day of my life. I know many will call it attention-seeking but the pain does not seem to wash away. Each time I look at a picture of you I get a sharp pain in my chest and start thinking of all the memories you left me with.
You see I didn't only lose my mother, I lost my hero, my mentor and my tormentor, my anchor, my friend and I don't know how to cope with that. I feel like everyone else around me is handling you being gone so much easier than I am and I feel inadequate. I feel weak. I don’t know how it is possible for a heart to be this broken but still beating.
Death became an enemy and took you away from us. Funny, how you always spoke of death and that you were preparing me for that day you would leave and never return. Honestly I didn’t think it would be that soon. Some of the girls felt and still feel betrayed, hurt and angry that you didn’t share the news of your Cancer with us and even though i agree that it was a shitty move you not telling us, it was your move to make and I want you know that I understand why and accept it. It’s not as if I had any choice since you’ve always lived your life as you saw fit and you were going to leave the same way, on your own terms.
I miss the food you made. No one can make cauliflower cheese and callaloo the way you made it, Mom. You gave food to me with love and your smile. It can’t be replicated. When l remember this I feel good, I feel closer to you. Your absence is felt every day of my life since you left us. A part of me is still lost and I am wondering if I will ever get it back. I think that I am going to miss you forever, I miss all of you the good and the bad. I always will. I will always look for you in everything I do. You are the reason I am the person I am today and I made promises to you that I intend to keep forever. I can't wait to see you again and catch you up on my life. I can't wait to drink tea with you in the TV room while we watch TV and talk about nothing while you doze off while i’m setting your hair. I love you and I miss you.
Your absence has taught me to be strong and smile like l have got no problems. I hope that while you watch me from wherever you are, that you are still proud of me.
To the reader, remember to always say what you feel when you feel it. Left nothing unsaid, and always remember to tell the ones you love that you love them.
I love you Jenneylind Glasgow-Maeda.
Your son Neigeme
Neigeme is a film-maker with over 19 years experience. He has produced award winning films with directors from Africa, Europe, America and the Caribbean and is the creative director of the Caribbean Film Corner, an itinerant Caribbean Film Festival that I started in 2009 with fellow Trinidadian Marc Woods to help promote films from across the Caribbean.
In 2012 he became a Berlinale Talent Campus alumni member and founded his production company Unit4B Productions in London.
Four years ago he created the Secret Cinema filmmaking program in conjunction with Secret Cinema designed to give working class youths their first start in cinema. I recently had the privilege of representing the Luxembourg Film Fund at the Ouaga Film Lab 2019 where I mentored the African producers who were part of the Ouaga Producer's Lab and I also became an alumni member of the esteemed European Screen Leaders programme and the first Trinidadian to become an alumni member of the Berlinale talent Campus.