Resting In Peace Whilst Living (A Complicated Notion) - by Gabrielle Smith *edited by Deborah Marie
If my connection to rest was a Facebook relationship status, it would be ‘complicated’. Complicated because until recently, I was convinced that in order to rest I must prove that I’d done enough work to deserve it.
Before I moved into my house last year, I had grand ideas about how the space would be filled with people, laughter, dinner and house parties, Insecure watch parties, a partner and maybe even a baby because that’s what happens, right?
Here’s what actually happened.
The space I only thought about being for other people ended up being the space I needed to address my nonexistent relationship with rest. In doing so, I had to think deeply about why the idea of resting and enjoying doing absolutely nothing induced a sense of guilt instead of gratitude and why my work was so important that taking breaks felt like a betrayal to my success.
The more I thought about this, the more I began to think about the influence that being raised by Caribbean immigrants has had on how I view work and rest, and how closely this way of survival is linked to a violent history of being overworked to the point of death throughout the Caribbean and the African Diaspora.
As a child of parents from Grenada, I see myself and others like me challenging what it means to be busy. ‘Working twice as hard to get just as far…’ is a way of thinking that comes from a place of survival. It is a mindset and an attitude many from the Caribbean communities had to adopt and practice when they first came to the UK. Whilst they did have moments of celebration as I’ve heard through tales of my grandparents’ legendary parties, they had so much more to prove because their survival depended on it.
I remember having conversations with a number of close friends about wanting to take a step back from being a full-time ‘blogger’ on the:nublk – a creative platform and space I started in 2008 to tell and share stories about Black creatives experiences in a way that I hadn’t seen anywhere else. Despite having a full-time job whilst also running the site I panicked because I’d put so much into it making it a success and having to come to terms with not being able to do that anymore felt devastating. Who would I be without this thing that my identity at the time was so closely linked to? Instead of being honest with myself about the fact that I was experiencing high levels of burnout, I overlooked the positive impact I’d made and felt as though I’d failed.
In hindsight, this acknowledgement was the beginning of an important process for me to shift the focus from being a champion for others to being one for myself.
As I unpack this complex cultural legacy, I also think about the generations of Black women who came before me who weren’t able to do so with ease. There has been a shift in the past few years by Black women and their determination to resist the narrative that our value is deemed highest when we’re overworked whilst we’re underserved in so many aspects of our lives.
With society often valuing Black women only when they are in close proximity and/or attached to something or someone,the idea of belonging to ourselves first, before being anything to anyone is invaluable and liberating! Participating in events like carnival and J’ouvert have become more important to me when it comes to exploring what freedom through joy and rest looks like as a woman of Caribbean heritage. This is why I also enjoy seeing Black women who are increasingly finding ways to belong to themselves. Who doesn’t love to see their friends and iconic celebrity faves just ‘being’ – unbothered and just living their best lives?
Whilst this year has been one of solitude, it’s also been a time for me to take an intentional step back and find supportive communities. I’ve found solace in a number of private Facebook and WhatsApp groups dedicated to Black women and non-binary people. Although their purpose differ slightly, these spaces encourage dialogue and offer support centred on ways of creating lives that are enriching instead of lives we’re only just learning to barely survive in.
For me the journey continues. By practicing to rest, I am unlearning culturally-internalised attitudes towards rest as being a luxury that one must earn, rather than a right which is incredibly important to my mental and emotional health.
So, may we rest in peace whilst we are still very much living and thrive in doing so because the lives we are trying to build for ourselves today and the future depends on us being present and giving our bodies and minds the rest they have always deserved.
Gabrielle Smith is a British-Grenadian creative and cultural producer found somewhere between a newsroom and Black Twitter. She has created work for the the likes of CNN, Channel 4, Adidas, and Tate Britain.
Gabrielle is also the founder of the:nublk, a dynamic digital platform dedicated to highlighting stories of the Black diaspora through art, film, conversation and collaboration both in the UK and internationally. Her love language is plantain.
IG: @gsdotcoTwitter: @gsdotco IG: @thenublkTwitter: @thenublk