We are always enough. United we stand, divided we fall - Choosing to Challenge by Aarti Maharaj.
“Only one mountain can know the core of another mountain,” Freida Kalho.
As women, only we can truly understand, support and uplift each other. Being a woman transcends race, colour, religion, caste, social class, education and other socio-economic barriers. We are united as one in our fight for equality, we understand what it’s like to be a woman in a male dominated world that, many times, tells us that we are “less than.”
To be a woman is truly a blessing but it is accompanied by many struggles which are exacerbated by prejudice and the patriarchy. As a Caribbean woman of colour, based in London for over 20 years, I understand all too well that not only do we as island girls fight for our rights as women but we also have to face and overcome other stereotypes and prejudices that our Caucasian counterparts do not have to. This makes our journeys more difficult but our successes even sweeter.
For centuries women were deemed the property of their husbands. In the UK it was not until 1870 that a married woman was entitled to own her own property. It was only as recently as 1991 that the ground-breaking case of R vs R (1991) delivered the landmark judgment that a husband could indeed rape his wife. Women are still victims of societal stereotypes and misconceptions. Stigmas are faced by unmarried and childless women who are deemed unnatural, unwomanly, unworthy and undervalued. I challenge the stereotype that for a woman to be valued she must be a wife and a mother. We live in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t society. Women are told that we can’t have it all yet we are expected to have it all.
Since I have known myself, I have been challenging stereotypes. I am the proud daughter of a Hindu priest (pundit) and let me tell you, growing up in Trinidad was not easy. Society placed many expectations on me. I was judged more harshly and was expected to live a life that was unlike other girls my age. Fortunately, my family never had those expectations, they wanted me to fulfil my dreams and live a life of my choosing. An unmarried Indian woman who was over 25 was officially “on the shelf.” Suffice to say, I never had that big, fat Hindu wedding until I was 40. For years, my accomplishments were overshadowed by the fact that I was unmarried and childless. Now they’re merely overshadowed by the fact that I am childless.
Several years ago, I was approached during my uncle’s funeral by a family friend. She gave me a hug but then proceeded to take my left hand and rub my “ring” finger and said, “Oh Aarti, I notice something is missing. Such a beautiful girl and still no husband. You know both my girls are married and I even have two grandchildren.” I was utterly fIabbergasted. I gave her a few choice words and asserted that my self-worth was not attached to a man. I mean how could it be? I came from a family of strong women. My maternal grandmother was a widow by 21 and a divorcee at 38. She stood “tall” at 4ft 11” and armed with her shot gun, she ran a rum shop in a time where it was no place for a woman to be, much less to be the proprietress. She got divorced in the 1960s when women were told that a divorce would bring shame to the family and they should do whatever it took to save their marriage.
Unfortunately, the pressures on women to get married and have babies are never ending. The harsh truth is that many times the most cruel and judgmental are women themselves . Single women and those without children are made to feel that they are in some way lacking and could not possibly be living a fulfilling life. To the woman who gets married and chooses to be a housewife and mother, to the childless, single CEO, to the married woman without kids, to the adopted mother, to the single, unmarried mother: you are all worthy. We need to stop judging each other. Isn’t feminism about the right to choose? Why are we so intimidated by another woman’s choice? Many women cry in silence when asked “when are you going to have a baby?” after suffering yet another miscarriage, after another failed round of IVF or after being told that her endometriosis is so severe that she would never give birth. What defines us as women is not whether we wear that ring on our finger, or give birth to a child but rather the ability to be a mother figure to any child, the strength to overcome, the resilience to fight for what is right, to do whatever it takes for the betterment of ourselves and our families.
This International Women’s Month, I Choose to Challenge women, to envelop each other in strength, love and support. To uplift and fight for each other, so together we can fight archaic practices, patriarchal mindsets and take the rightful places of our choosing. I challenge us to get rid of the stereotype that a woman should get married and have children and that she is unworthy if she departs from this societal construct.
Aarti Maharaj Esq is a NY attorney and Solicitor advocate (Civil litigation) in England and Wales with an LLM in International Law.
She runs her own consultancy company and is also a business woman working in the beauty industry (Mont Olympe, Greece), the fields of nano-technology (Bionova, NY), champagne (Mercelot) and art.
She is an advocate for women and several years ago started an initiative to help homeless women by giving them care bags containing essentials for the maintenance of their dignity.
She will soon be launching her design company Aartisan Designs.
She is presently married and child free - all by choice, because she can.